The Serialized Adventures of a Human Being/Apple

OHMIGOSH, LIEK A GEST SPOT!!!

2006-04-23T09:37:00.001-07:00

Hi, I'm Sylvia Livingham. I'm a fashion critic, and I work for Shout-Out-Gurlz Magazine. I was asked by Yordel Feldman (like, oh my God, what a stupid name) to write up my take on Humapple and how he's changed modern pop culture. Which is, like, so awesome.

Anyway, this rad little shit-kicker came out of a girl who liked fruit. I mean, I'm not one to judge but I really don't think an apple could get me going like a nice ride in a Mustang with loose chairs. But, I'll be damned, people love the bastard. He's got those cute little nub legs and arms and he speaks in that high-pitched bitch-o-rama voice that we all know and love. Unless, of course, you have any taste. Because, quite frankly, he's a total moron.

I'm not like an advocate of violence or violent acts, or shit-eating, so I can't say I like Humapple. Blood, guts, gore, and viscera are good for movies and stuff but not real life (this is, of course, very real life). So I was all like 'What's the big deal?'. I didn't know. I couldn't know. So I asked some folks what they thought.

One poorly dressed fella said, "I think the mass appeal of Humapple has to do with his completely insular motivations. He doesn't know what the hell he's doing, yet he's having fun doing it. I think Americans like that idea a lot. Hell, I wish I could be like that."

This other bitch in high-line khakis said, "...Those cute little pants [Humapple] wears are in style now. No one can fit into them but they're just so goddamn cute. Like, I put them on my fingers and fantasize that I could be Humapple one day. Because you know, I don't think I'm alone in saying that I'd love to be shoved up a woman's *CENSORED* while soaked in a boatload of fucking *CENSORED*. That could just be me, though."

For all you pervs that are interested, the bitch was named Patricia Welgenheimer and she lives in Rhode Island.

The whole style thing is a lark with me. I don't like the Humapple line of clothing that The Gap is selling now. It's all clothes that NO ONE CAN WEAR! It's like, 'Hey, you like my one-by-one pants?' I think guys dig them because it finally makes their dicks look big. But, I'll be honest, none of us are fooled. We know that there's still plenty of space in those pants. Pathetic.

Hollywood's taken to him, with Werner Herzog now making a documentary about Humapple and his misadventures. Although I heard that Herzog tried to take Humapple to get some sort of psychiatric help. Herzog was held in captivity and tortured for a month by the infamous "Humapplists" for doing so. He left with small bruises, and far more insight into the world. Which, if you know Werner, isn't unusual.

But I don't know Werner Herzog, and I don't fucking care either.

You know what I'm going to say in conclusion? America is nuts for liking that little piece of shit apple and I'm tired of him getting all the attention. Ah, but fuck it. I just wonder, sometimes...

Why isn't it all on me?

An Interview with Dr. Phineas Tabor.

2006-04-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

During my weeks of research, I came across a very specific name a few times in reference to Humapple. His name was Phineas Tabor, a Harvard Graduate, on his way to a PH.D. and apparently the forerunner in Humapple-related research. I decided that I'd organize an interview with this very busy, and well spoken, man.

I came across his home just outside of Boston and realized exactly what a doctorate can do for a man. His house was enormous, by and large a mansion. All, apparently, reaped by the benefits of international fascination with the mysterious Humapple. In related news: I finally moved out of my Coupe Deville and into a cozy apartment in New York City. The rent is cheaper, but the draft and lack of mobile neighbors can be disheartening.

Phineas came to the door to greet me. He was alone, well dressed, and ready for the interview.

Yordel Feldman (YF): How exactly did you come across the story of Humapple?

Phineas Tabor (PT): I could probably ask you the same question, Mr. Feldman. But I suppose this is my interview and not yours... [awkward silence] ...Incidentally, I came across Humapple's story through a group of journalists who were following Humapple for some time. Due to the Fruit and Vegetables Liberation Act, the FAVLT, we were not allowed to touch Humapple. Even after he was thought to be related in over a hundred and fifty bizarre deaths. He was an untouchable. So we tracked him at a distance, followed his movements, and became fascinated.

YF: What happened then?

PT: Well, I took it to the next level. I designed a suit that would insulate me from the JNN toxin and approached Humapple. He was nice, suitably discreet, and a hell of a snappy dresser.

YF: What did he wear?

PT: Cinnamon spread... So, we spoke for a while and I took some notes. I then secretly gathered a sample from Humapple, cutting off the tip of his stem for genetic research. He said it felt like someone had circumsized him, which was fitting.

YF: Interesting. So what exactly was deduced from the research?

PT: I was getting to that! Let me speak, for *CENSORED* sakes. Anyway, will you let me speak?

YF: I'll let you speak. Continue...

PT: The information acquired led us to believe that Humapple's father was still very much present in his genetic material. That or the semen stains had yet to wash off. But, we tracked down the exact identity of Humapple's father, which Humapple himself came across only a matter of weeks later. So far it has been kept confidential.

YF: Who then, exactly, is Humapple's legitimate father?

PT: Tom Petty.

-- Note: This news, ladies and gentleman, absolutely floored me. Not only was Tom Petty a master lyricist, musician, and all around nice guy... He also spawned a Human-Apple genetic monstrosity that may or may not bring about the apocalypse, according to some. That's certainly something I wouldn't want on my grave. But I'm not Tom *CENSORED* Petty.

YF: Oddly, that's been the thrust of my investigation so far. That and the involvement of Ms. Dorowitz. Is that what takes us to today, to this moment? Where Humapple was seen chasing after Tom Petty's tour bus? Is that the connection?

PT: Yes, it's also why Slash of Guns N' Roses is so completely out of his mind. JNN got to him.

YF: I thought that was heroin and sexually transmitted diseases.

PT: We all have our petty vices.

We do, indeed.

Revenge is a Woman, Best Served Undercooked.

2006-04-01T21:18:00.000-08:00

The first few days of the journey of Humapple were uneventful in a way. He was still finding his path and had no time to really cause any incidental trouble. Although, once he reached the town of Middleton, things would eventually change for the worse.

He would rendezvous with a woman, Debbie Dorowitz.

Debbie had what can best be referred to as a checkered past. Four husbands. Four divorces. Two of which were under questionable circumstances, especially considering the men ceased to "exist" mere months after the divorce. She was the black widow that Humapple was looking for in his strange journey. He came across her after an especially gruesome incident with Debbie's current, now ex, boyfriend.

His testimonial was muddled, I'll offer my own description of the events: Debbie and Clyde (the ex) were enjoying a night of genial sexuality. Some love, followed by a hand job. Now apparently this was a staple of their night gallery, until it went wrong. Clyde, according to a few sources, started to berate Debbie for her bad "fist fuck" and things took an awful turn. Debbie inverted the diamond engagement ring that Clyde recently bought her, pressed it into his flesh, and proceeded to lacerate the tissue surrounding the man's penis.

It took Clyde three minutes to realize this.

Considering Clyde's excitement failed to wane (he admitted to being a fetishist), the wound continued to bleed profusely until an EMT showed him an image of his grandmother. The blood stopped, but his penis had been eviscerated by the event. Debbie had already all but vanished at this point, heading off to a local bar. A bar where Humapple was momentarily located.

They met and, in a way, fell in love. Humapple's toxin leaked quite quickly into Debbie's system and it caused her to commit a second gruesome act to a local stripper.

[Due to extreme graphic violence, the following will be vaguely censored. Highlight to proceed...]

Debbie used a plastic butterknife to cut open the ankles of the stripper. She then began to chew on the veins of the woman as they unspooled from her legs. Her screaming and writhing movements made this process quite complicated, as did the on-lookers at the back of the bar. Debbie began to tear away at the flesh of the woman, working up the leg, and started to chew on the calf muscles of the stripper. Apparently this is when the most blood was lost, as Debbie slurped up the remaining veins, which had begun to pour out onto the hardwood floor. At this point, her established hygiene levels were irrelevant. Then the entrails were spilt. Debbie dug her fingernails into the stomach of the woman and eventually tore away most of the covering skin. Her large intestines immediately exploded from the bloody crevace and splashed into the lap of the bar owner, who was too terrified to move. The splashing entrails convinced him to scuttle. It did the same for the rest of the bar. At that point their applause had ceased, and the evacuation had begun. It wasn't a show. This was real. The stripper sure as hell knew that before anyone else did. She died soon after Debbie began to eat her brains with chopsticks and one of those cute plastic cocktail swords.

It was said that Humapple laughed hysterically during all of this.

His psychology is still under question at this time, as is Debbie's. Usually the effects of the toxin either cause immediate death or serious long term side effects. Debbie, strangely, has seemed to embrace the toxin. She and the, now infamous, Humapple are on a sojourn of uncommon viscera.

Blood will spill. I hope you brought a Handi-Wipe.

A Bastard Child of Indifference

2006-03-29T06:13:00.000-08:00

Let's begin our story with the birth and the events leading up to it.

Celia Gibbons, a simple-minded woman to say the least, was the birth mother. Her story is a dark and complicated one, starting with her fetishistic boyfriend. The two were infamous in the neighbourhood for having intensely loud sessions of intercourse. She was known to curse such things as: "Bite my hairy nips you Cockmaster." and "Jam the cucumber in my sallow nest." This was thought to be a joke, until the Humapple incident.

A short police investigation, following the birth, uncovered a disgusting assortment of sex toys. Most of which were discovered in the Crisper drawer of the fridge. The smell, as we were told, was hideous since they were using the same fruits and vegetables for over a year. Apparently preservatives weren't high on their list of priorities. But what was found there held the key to understanding how Humapple came to be.

It was quickly shipped to geneticists who studied it. Apparently it was, in fact, a semen soaked apple. After intensive studying and a few tests, they realized that this apple could, in fact, spread genetic information into a woman and her sallow uterus. (Currently, the utilization of the term "sallow" in reference to the vagina is still unexplained, probably for the better.) So, Humapple wasn't a miracle... he was a twisted mishap. This, unfortunately, was discovered after he had been ejected forcefully from the hospital.

That's when they made the second discovery. Humapple was leaking.

"Jelaustan-Neiman Neurotoxin" was the unofficial title. Remnants of the toxin were found in the ventilation system of the hospital and traced to Humapple. It was discovered after a patient started to commit a series of bizarre acts. They were described by a nurse as, "Doing cartwheels naked and shitting at the same time, but here's where it gets complicated: He would shit when his ass was in the air, and then flip around and eat the shit once his head was up. Then he'd continue the cycle over and over again [...] apparently forever." It took three assistants to hold the man down. The smell, I'm told, was awful.

His room had somehow been exposed to the JNN toxin and the "adverse" effects soon followed. The hospital was locked down. The toxin was cleared. But now there's something far more savage to worry about... the trail of Humapple.

A trail soaked in blood, shit, and Cirque De Soleil wannabes.

And you thought it'd just be another day in the apple-fucking neighborhood.

Prologue: A Sign Of Things To Come.

2006-03-23T14:35:00.000-08:00

It was a fucked up day, to say the least. You couldn't have described it to anyone else without really taking it all in. It was a medical miracle and a religious holocaust. A creature was born unto this world with a horrible mutation. It was a half human, half apple monstrosity. The exact details of its size, intelligence and sexual prominence were kept in absolute secrecy. What we know for certain is that this "Humapple" was the size of an apple, with four limbs jutting from all sides, and the composition of its body consisted mainly of a human-like face. It could speak. It could form sentences. Mostly, it could form insane epithets of awfulness.

The woman who gave birth to this apple was world-weary and lost in the confusion of the media frenzy. She was a poor woman, stout, with long brown hair. Her eyes were shallow and meek, but her will was intense and focused. But she had a penchant for fucking semen-soaked fruits and vegetables. Judging by the results, we're assuming apples were the delicacy of choice. That was the only logical explanation a person could provide for this abomination. It was given no official title and immediately banished from the hospital, despite barely being able to walk.

It was quoted as saying, "Fuck all you fucking white-hatted assholes and your goddamned gloves. I'm sick and tired of getting felt up and having to deal with all y'all crazy sun'bitches tryin' to shun me for my differences." No one is entirely certain what this comment meant, but it most certainly was an omen of things to come. Because the doctors who released said patient failed to recognize that this "Humapple" creature was leaking a dangerous toxin from its mutated pores.

This toxin, as yet unidentified, has drawn adverse effects from various subjects. Some people perform extreme acts of violence, others have epiphanies, but most go psychotic. Now this creature has been released to the public to innocently wreak havoc amongst the rest of the world. This will chronicle his bizarre misadventures as we draw from various diaries, newspapers, and witness testimonial of the journey of "Humapple".

After reading this, you'll know why we're advocates of a sound HMO.